Posted by tashadeguzman at 12:38 PM on December 26, 2005 as a stickied post.

"i hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."

                                                    - hunter s. thompson

5 dead

Cause sometimes 140 characters ain't enough.

Posted by tashadeguzman at 03:20 PM on January 21, 2012.

So apparently, we're moving to Canada. Yay! Yeah...I'm not sure if I want to cheer either. I'm in the heart of Europe, having a swell enough time except that I'm still jobless, my Italian's not going well cause I'm sooo lazy to go to class and that our neighbors are dog nazis. 

Seriously speaking though, we are going to try to migrate. We're fixing all our documents already. If our papers get approved, then it's great. I'll have a better chance of landing a job, most of my family will be there and lastly, we won't be living in a condominium with anal geezer neighbors. We're gonna have to to put a spiked collar on Max though, just in case of bears, haha (I'm not really laughing). The practical side of me wants this move. The romantic, carefree part of me wants to stay here. I just got here and I wanna go just about everywhere. If a friend of mine asked me to go visit her in Romania for the weekend, I totally would; given that I have enough funds for it. But when we transfer to Canada, it's going to be 3 years of winter for me, since I still have my Philippine passport and we all know just how useful it really is in the real world. 

We're going to Barcelona in 6-days time. I'm very excited as usual, and I'm sorry to say that I'll be this way no matter where we're going. The only important thing is that I'm going. If we apply right this moment for Canada, it's gonna be 1.5 to 2 years tops before we can leave, and 2 years doesn't seem to be long enough to see everything I want to see here in Europe. I still haven't been to Paris (too mainstream, don't you think?). I wanna go see the Chartres Cathedral and the Mont Saint Michel. I wanna go to St.Tropez, even though I know that it's just a tourist trap with a lame beach and overpriced..everything. I'd dearly love to visit the Pyrenees mountains and stay in Andorra. I wanna go back to Avignon & Arles because they're the cutest little French towns ever. I wanna visit Berlin, Amsterdam, Estonia and Prague. They're totally on my list, especially Prague. I will NOT leave Europe until I've seen Prague's astronomical clock. Next is Riquewihr in France, Geneva, Portofino & Sardegna. I haven't even seen everything in Italia. I still wanna visit friends in Croatia & Romania. There are lots of them there, and I would go there without the worry of being in a "Hostel" movie cause we will be staying with them in their house. Lastly, and this is one I'm really hoping to do, is the mediterranean islands tour; Greece, Turkey, Cyprus, Egypt. I won't leave Europe without seeing the architectural legacy of the Greeks in their own country. I want to see the Parthenon and the Pyramids and the Hagia Sophia. I know I'm in a love/hate relationship with architecture right now, but I still have to see them. I feel like they're old friends from college whom I haven't heard from in a long time. That's it, at least for now. Damascus, Jordan and Jerusalem can wait. That's alot of places to go in 2 years, and more importantly, that will drain our bank accounts more effectively than me being bored during Christmas. 

We have a long life to travel. I don't want work to be the main focus of our life together. Money's not that important, and we are not picky with jobs. We don't have gigantic egos. I wouldn't even mind not having a kid as long as we can go everywhere together like this. We have Max anyway. We are moving. We are. Then when we're old and saved enough, we'll go back to Asia and cross out all the places we have yet to see. That's the last stop.

Ah, I almost forgot. BRAZIL. 2014. FIFA WORLDCUP. Totally happening. I don't even need a visa to go there and I still have 2 years to save up for that. I wish my brother would come, otherwise he'll kill me out of jealousy.

Currently feeling: hopeful

shoot me

Lost In Translation

Posted by tashadeguzman at 08:05 PM on December 22, 2011.

From thoughts to action that is. I was chatting with the sweetest artist (also notable ex) in my life, Mr. Erick Lucas this evening. My doppelganger was apparently seen by him in Saguijo last night and the likeness was so exact that he just had to chat with me and show me a (very blurry) photo. I must admit though, she did kind of look like me; same height, built, hair length, but it was too blurry for me to actually decide. I love seeing my look-alikes because I find out how I really look to other people. I really can't tell myself. My self image is so warped between my fantasies and reality that I'd rather leave the judgement to my friends.

It's funny cause for the past few days I've been thinking about my college days. It seems that it really was the time of my life and I just can't get over it. You can tell by how much I reminisce in this lonely online diary. I was missing those times and suddenly my doppelganger's in Saguijo haha. I know there really isn't any conection but I'd like to think there is. It makes for a more dramatic episode don't you think? Anyway, Mr. Lucas and I were chatting and out of the blue, he asks me why our relationship didn't work out. That kind of stilled my wandering thoughts because it was almost 8 years ago. He was a perfect gentleman. He was an artist. He was a musician. He was (and still is) such a hipster. I loved how I was with him. I was more sensitive to how I felt when I was with him. But I told him that he was too good that I felt like I'd be the one to fuck everything up eventually. Apparently he felt the same way about me. The only difference is that I was the one who decided to chicken out. 

Everything's all right now of course. It took 8 years for closure; to answer the question of 'why'.

I think I'll start writing on this blog again more often; mostly in English, and sometimes in Italian.

Currently listening to: Saint Motel - Puzzle Pieces

shoot me

complete breakdown of self-confidence

Posted by tashadeguzman at 01:00 AM on December 19, 2011.

Well this is one of those days that I just feel like shit. Shit that's been left in the afternoon sun to just stay there and contemplate how shitty life really is. The problem is that I can't really complain about anything. I have absolutely nothing to complain about. I'm married with a guy I love and who loves me unconditionally in return. We have a nice comfortable house, with a puppy soon in it. We both have amazing families who support us in everything.

And yet, here I am feeling like crap and you know why? Because I have no job. My husband earns enough, but I have always worked and had my own money. It sucks to feel this useless and dependent. Some people wouldn't see this as something to complain about, that I don't have to worry so much about money. Sometimes I see it that way, but being this much idle is getting on my nerves and self-esteem. I feel like I'm losing myself. I used to draw and to write! I never really thought of them as something that I was meant to do, but I could do them, and even well enough not to be ashamed of what I did. But now I don't do anything. I'm totally demotivated.

Even my architecture degree and subsequent license to practice seems like a big, drawn-out bet with myself now. I never really, sincerely wanted to do it. I had some skills to draw and it totally got the approval of my family so why not take architecture? I bet myself that I would graduate and get even better than average grades and I did. I bet myself that after two years of apprenticeship that I would pass the board exam, and I did. Don't get me wrong, I liked what I did. I used to stay up planning out my future houses, even to the last detail. I would sometimes dream about work. But I don't really give a rat's ass when I'm awake and sober. It was work; it was for the board exam. It wasn't in my heart. I wish it was so I wouldn't be having the dilemma whether to continue to study architecture here and pay an ass-load of money or spend that money studying something else that I would actually like to study. I feel like my hands have forgotten how to draw, how to paint. They've lost the habit of the old strokes that used to get me high grades in my visuals and design classes. Or maybe it's just my self-confidence that's gone dry.

It's true. I doubt myself in everything now; from cooking, to drawing, to speaking italian, to my own intelligence. It's that bad that I have no idea how worse it can get anymore. Fuck I even have low self-esteem when playing Skyrim. I hide behind Lydia all the time and panic whenever a dragon flies remotely near. I am that pathetic. Hopefully it's just a phase attached to my being jobless.

I never felt this pathetic, but I'm glad I don't have to worry about the real stuff anymore (at least not so much): the husband, the house, money, growing old. I absolutely love being married. It's about it being stable, being recognized and respected by (almost) everyone. I don't care what other people think about marriage, but for my husband and I, it just seems like what we've always wanted and needed. It's amazing how we even ended up together. God bless the day Blizzard released WoW. Two nerds finding love online, how clichè and corny. Although to be honest I think I'd still have friends if it weren't for WoW. I used to have so many, and I actually liked them. Now my remaining friends I consider family, because they're just that few and almost just that old. 

I sometimes wish that I was still that outgoing, vibrant, sociable version of me who likes people, but being with Francesco and my family and a few close friends is a good trade-off. 

I had an agreement with God when I was younger and enlightened. I told him/her to let me be lost for awhile yet so I can appreciate being found better. I think now I am properly lost. God, the time to seek you out again is soon to come. Although I'm sure you'll just tell me, you're always just there. Very funny, but yeah I know you are. I know this is a 'my-life-is-shitty' post, but I can not help but be thankful. I wonder if Christians have a relationship with God as amazing as I do? I hope they do, otherwise all the self-righteousness will not be worth it in my opinion.

Currently listening to: Blue October - Hate Me
Currently feeling: thankful

shoot me

dopo due mesi

Posted by tashadeguzman at 10:57 PM on July 9, 2011.

ciao. sono qui perche voglio scrivere e praticare l'italiano. ho studiato la lingua per una settimana pero google e ancora meglio di me. spero staro meglio presto. nessuno in corso alla scuola (livello due) parla in inglese. tutti parlanno in italiano, e lo per il meglio a imparare velocemente. la mia suocare e troppo contento con mio progresso al corso. io ero nel prima livello, ma ho scoperto che era gia troppo facile per me cosi ho cambiato livello. e adesso, sono nel livello due :D e un po difficile. le studenti a quello livello sono gia bravi. c'e una cinese chi non parla inglese, solo cinese e un po italiano. c'e una brasiliana anche come quello cinese. la brasiliana viva in vicino a nostra casa. amo parlando con lei  perche sono sforzato parlare in italiano. piu, amo il suo accento. lei ha un ragazzo italiano. sopratutto studenti sono come quello. cosa altro..ancora non so cosa dire a volte, come dire che voglio dire. devo studiare piu..

comunque..io ho molto eccitato andare a nostra nuova casa. e pronta la prossima settimana. gia abbiamo le mobili e le altre cose per la casa. i genitori di Francesco ci stanno dando molte cose. non dobbiamo spendere tanto soldi per la casa. invece compreremo una pc.cucinero! XD io manco il cibo di Filippine. bene che andremmo a dicembre. io manco mia famiglia, e mio cane Marcos. :/ voglio comprare uno cane a settembre forse..un maltese oppure chowchow, non so. comunque, Filippine a dicembre. vogliamo andare a una spiaggia perche non possiamo adesso. Fran ha tanto lavora fino a settembre, e anche devo trovare un lavoro. non mi piace quando non ho soldi. XD penso che io trascorro troppo.

allora..ci vediamo prossima volta, quando mio italiano e meglio. ciao.

Currently listening to: Contatto 1B
Currently reading: Alexandre Dumas - The Borgias
Currently watching: Game of Thrones
Currently feeling: excited

shoot me

just the way life is.

Posted by tashadeguzman at 10:20 AM on October 13, 2009.

26 years, and it's only just now that my path in life is becoming clearer to me. i'm not saying i won't change my mind again, but the things that has been happening to me now, were my thoughts when i was 18. not a particularly joyful experience as my 18 year old thoughts was a pool of chaos, albeit a sunny one. it wasn't that i didn't know what to do. i had everything planned out, the problem being is that obligations of a 26-year old, and an 18-year old one are two different things.

alot of my friends are getting maried, or if not that, they already have a long-term relationship to boast of, or even kids. my concern is that i am not jealous at all. i don't see myself as this traditional person who graduates college, gets up on the corporate ladder, gets married, has kids, grows old and dies. in fact, my priorities are still that of my 18-year old self; only the obligations have changed. and in this sense, no one ever really grows old, unless they forget what it is like. i still have my dreams of travelling, and of learning; And getting married and having kids can't even get a foothold to make an appearance in my near-future plans.

another thing is my uneasiness to actually nurture relationships. i don't keep it a secret that i'm very bad at keeping in touch with my friends, and i am mostly alone. and i've been doing it since i was in grade school, now that i think back on it. i love meeting new people, i love getting to know them. i love to see how they carry themselves. but in the end, i drop out of their lives. the closest thing i have of having best friends was in high school. and i think i've just succesfully destroyed this rather frail tie of friendship i have with them. i cannot claim to know anyone intimately. i don't think anyone can say that about me either. i am frankly all over the place. my problems are unloaded to a whole array of people whom i don't really speak to again. the only thing i find weird is the number of facebook friends i have. i must be an all-around interesting person at one time or another.

i am not at all in a hurry to become a licensed architect. i don't care much about money, sure it would be nice, but so far it hasn't gotten me into its evil clutches of greed and ambition. people can see this in two ways, if they will look at it in an employer's perspective: A) i will be a lousy employee because i am not hungry for money and will therefore have a greater tendency to have another life to live than that in the office, or B) i will be a meticulous practitioner and passionate lover of my craft because i am not hungry for money and will therefore execute everything i do with care and discipline.

either way, i don't have any long-term plans of staying here anyway, i will stay long enough to have my tools ready. and then my only goal will be to travel and to learn. i will learn to cook, and learn every language i possibly can, i'll design and build, i'll write. ah, that's the dream. thankfully i don't have any baggage at all to speak off, except my family whom are all well. i wonder if i was wired wrong or if everybody else are just hindered by real-world problems to pursue this particular dream.

some people used to tease me that i was a loner, now i can admit that without being hurt or ashamed cause i've learned not to judge this particular aspect of myself. and besides, everyone else is alone when you really think about it, so why should i care.

Currently listening to: ella me levanto
Currently reading: 4 books

shoot me

Posted by tashadeguzman at 02:20 PM on July 4, 2009.

wow this is the longest time i've been single and my god i'm enjoying it. no complications and i don't have to worry about being crazy or anything like that. cause that's what relationships do to you when you're in it: make you crazy.on the one side, sure i wanna be a couple again and do couple-y things. i miss it. but when push comes to shove, when i really think about it, i'd really rather not. i'm enjoying too much alone time with no responsibility and no pressure or anxiety. this is exactly why i should stay single anyway. i see relationships in a bad light. besides, i can't make up my mind. and i unknowingly flirt with everyone i think. i'm not sure, but james said i can't distinguish between nice guys and flirty guys. but gimme a break, they do have alot in common. >.> or maybe i'm also just being nice. being a mirror isn't always good.

i wanna go out and have fun and all that crap but 75% of the time or more, i'd just stay in my safe zone and not worry about anything. i hope my dream of travelling alone won't remain a dream. i've successfully stayed single for a while and that was one of the things i really wanted to do. i want to be independent, and maybe a drifter. how i would love to travel the world and work for a while in each country. people would forget me in no time. i have alot of acquaintances but i have very very few friends. that would be fun, but lonely. but i've always been alone i think. and i pick up random strangers for emotional support. im very selfish like that. those poor people.

the person who can get me out of this selfish existence would be an angel. i can't see very long term.

shoot me

Posted by tashadeguzman at 02:40 PM on March 16, 2009.

i need more alcohol.

shoot me

letter to god

Posted by tashadeguzman at 02:05 PM on March 10, 2009.

well i havent felt depressed like this in long time. and for such a little thing too. i should be grateful. well i am grateful really. god shows him/herself when you really need him/her. i have been so lethargic and apathetic and numb for for the longest time. not to mention absent from everything. ive been watching my life and everything in it pass me by for about a year now. it's not a very good way to live. i've lost alot of friends, gained some distant ones, but did nothing with my life. if i die now, i would see my life as a waste of god's energy. i have done nothing impressive or productive. and i regret the time i spent idling away the hours hiding from responsibilities and relationships. i was hiding from god, from everything. he found me anyway, and im very grateful. i have not felt this alive in a year or so. i cannot be thankful enough. i hope you bless the vessel you used to reach me. i know that that person is having a rough time at the moment, and that person doesn't know what blessing you gave me through him.

contrary to my first statement, i am not so depressed as i am humbled. i knew i said to that person that we had an agreement of separation, but i guess the time of pretending is up. for now. i know i will stray from this balance again, and i will do alot more stupid things in my life. after im still fairly young. i know you will always be there for me. bless him for me God, he did more than he knows. i cannot help him anymore, and i won't force any of my will upon yours. i hope this little prayer of thanks will go out to everyone who is in my life. i cannot be more thankful, and i love you god. thanks for nudging me that you're there. i needed it.

Currently feeling: grateful

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