Posted by tashadeguzman at 07:38 PM on December 26, 2005 as a stickied post.

"i hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."

                                                    - hunter s. thompson

5 dead

just the way life is.

Posted by tashadeguzman at 05:20 PM on October 13, 2009.

26 years, and it's only just now that my path in life is becoming clearer to me. i'm not saying i won't change my mind again, but the things that has been happening to me now, were my thoughts when i was 18. not a particularly joyful experience as my 18 year old thoughts was a pool of chaos, albeit a sunny one. it wasn't that i didn't know what to do. i had everything planned out, the problem being is that obligations of a 26-year old, and an 18-year old one are two different things.

alot of my friends are getting maried, or if not that, they already have a long-term relationship to boast of, or even kids. my concern is that i am not jealous at all. i don't see myself as this traditional person who graduates college, gets up on the corporate ladder, gets married, has kids, grows old and dies. in fact, my priorities are still that of my 18-year old self; only the obligations have changed. and in this sense, no one ever really grows old, unless they forget what it is like. i still have my dreams of travelling, and of learning; And getting married and having kids can't even get a foothold to make an appearance in my near-future plans.

another thing is my uneasiness to actually nurture relationships. i don't keep it a secret that i'm very bad at keeping in touch with my friends, and i am mostly alone. and i've been doing it since i was in grade school, now that i think back on it. i love meeting new people, i love getting to know them. i love to see how they carry themselves. but in the end, i drop out of their lives. the closest thing i have of having best friends was in high school. and i think i've just succesfully destroyed this rather frail tie of friendship i have with them. i cannot claim to know anyone intimately. i don't think anyone can say that about me either. i am frankly all over the place. my problems are unloaded to a whole array of people whom i don't really speak to again. the only thing i find weird is the number of facebook friends i have. i must be an all-around interesting person at one time or another.

i am not at all in a hurry to become a licensed architect. i don't care much about money, sure it would be nice, but so far it hasn't gotten me into its evil clutches of greed and ambition. people can see this in two ways, if they will look at it in an employer's perspective: A) i will be a lousy employee because i am not hungry for money and will therefore have a greater tendency to have another life to live than that in the office, or B) i will be a meticulous practitioner and passionate lover of my craft because i am not hungry for money and will therefore execute everything i do with care and discipline.

either way, i don't have any long-term plans of staying here anyway, i will stay long enough to have my tools ready. and then my only goal will be to travel and to learn. i will learn to cook, and learn every language i possibly can, i'll design and build, i'll write. ah, that's the dream. thankfully i don't have any baggage at all to speak off, except my family whom are all well. i wonder if i was wired wrong or if everybody else are just hindered by real-world problems to pursue this particular dream.

some people used to tease me that i was a loner, now i can admit that without being hurt or ashamed cause i've learned not to judge this particular aspect of myself. and besides, everyone else is alone when you really think about it, so why should i care.

Currently listening to: ella me levanto
Currently reading: 4 books

shoot me

Posted by tashadeguzman at 09:20 PM on July 4, 2009.

wow this is the longest time i've been single and my god i'm enjoying it. no complications and i don't have to worry about being crazy or anything like that. cause that's what relationships do to you when you're in it: make you crazy.on the one side, sure i wanna be a couple again and do couple-y things. i miss it. but when push comes to shove, when i really think about it, i'd really rather not. i'm enjoying too much alone time with no responsibility and no pressure or anxiety. this is exactly why i should stay single anyway. i see relationships in a bad light. besides, i can't make up my mind. and i unknowingly flirt with everyone i think. i'm not sure, but james said i can't distinguish between nice guys and flirty guys. but gimme a break, they do have alot in common. >.> or maybe i'm also just being nice. being a mirror isn't always good.

i wanna go out and have fun and all that crap but 75% of the time or more, i'd just stay in my safe zone and not worry about anything. i hope my dream of travelling alone won't remain a dream. i've successfully stayed single for a while and that was one of the things i really wanted to do. i want to be independent, and maybe a drifter. how i would love to travel the world and work for a while in each country. people would forget me in no time. i have alot of acquaintances but i have very very few friends. that would be fun, but lonely. but i've always been alone i think. and i pick up random strangers for emotional support. im very selfish like that. those poor people.

the person who can get me out of this selfish existence would be an angel. i can't see very long term.

shoot me

Posted by tashadeguzman at 09:40 PM on March 16, 2009.

i need more alcohol.

shoot me

letter to god

Posted by tashadeguzman at 09:05 PM on March 10, 2009.

well i havent felt depressed like this in long time. and for such a little thing too. i should be grateful. well i am grateful really. god shows him/herself when you really need him/her. i have been so lethargic and apathetic and numb for for the longest time. not to mention absent from everything. ive been watching my life and everything in it pass me by for about a year now. it's not a very good way to live. i've lost alot of friends, gained some distant ones, but did nothing with my life. if i die now, i would see my life as a waste of god's energy. i have done nothing impressive or productive. and i regret the time i spent idling away the hours hiding from responsibilities and relationships. i was hiding from god, from everything. he found me anyway, and im very grateful. i have not felt this alive in a year or so. i cannot be thankful enough. i hope you bless the vessel you used to reach me. i know that that person is having a rough time at the moment, and that person doesn't know what blessing you gave me through him.

contrary to my first statement, i am not so depressed as i am humbled. i knew i said to that person that we had an agreement of separation, but i guess the time of pretending is up. for now. i know i will stray from this balance again, and i will do alot more stupid things in my life. after im still fairly young. i know you will always be there for me. bless him for me God, he did more than he knows. i cannot help him anymore, and i won't force any of my will upon yours. i hope this little prayer of thanks will go out to everyone who is in my life. i cannot be more thankful, and i love you god. thanks for nudging me that you're there. i needed it.

Currently feeling: grateful

3 dead

Twilight.

Posted by tashadeguzman at 08:07 PM on November 9, 2008.

I deliberately tried to postpone ranting writing about this book to calm down a bit. There is no doubt that the book Twilight by Stephenie Meyer has produced in me some strong reactions; suffering mostly, from the way that Meyer pulled all of her characters from her peter pan/princess complex. Of course if I was 16 years old, I wouldn't have minded alot I think, but I know I was reading better stuff when I was 16.

Twilight reads like 'Sweet Valley High' with a vampire/werewolf twist smothered with cheesyness. If you're allergic to 'emo' and anything related to it, I suggest you read some other book. I regret buying it. The 'emoness' from this book puts my blog to shame. The characters are shallow, superficial and predictable. I especially hated how two-dimensial that heroine, Bella, is. Of course that didn't stop me from falling in love with the vampire hero Edward Cullen. I'm sure every girl dreams of being the 'damsel in distress' even once. And besides, I'm biased regarding vampires. That's why i bought the damn book in the first place.

All in all, I still think Anne Rice is the best. Too bad she's gone all 'born-again' on her readers.

Update 22Nov08

Haha Twilight the movie is getting shitty reviews! loool.

Currently listening to: Muse - Please Please Please Let Me
Currently reading: Gregory Maguire - Mirror Mirror
Currently feeling: disappointed

shoot me

a shitload of WoW.

Posted by tashadeguzman at 10:48 PM on October 2, 2008.

i have been MIA for three months now i think. i dunno how i can ignore all my friends and responsibilities that easy for this long -_- it sucks but they were right. WoW has a debuff that disables one's life. i am sucking at my social life big time. i haven't seen any of my friends in a long time and again, this entry will be full of apologies. i hope you guys are still there, though i'm sure i've lost alot already because of my WoW addiction well the one good thing (i think) that it did was distract me from my recent breakup (yeah yeah). the breakup wasn't bad, i mean i could just as easily get over it without wow cause i'd be doing some other things (like chugging too much caffeine again in koreatown); but it kept me from churning emo stuff online :p

and since i am thinking clearly right now (not playing wow + single), i decided that it is time to update this blog again weekly. maybe. if im not suffering my carpal tunnel too much to type all the emoness.

anyway, i havent been doing much lately. just work and wow when i get home. it is getting sad actually. you know if i didnt have a carpal attack today i'd have been playing till midnight again. we have a shitload of work. the only good thing about this is that our boss rewards us with asian trips about twice a year hehe. if we ever go to japan, i will get myself lost and not come back lol. i heart japan so much even though i've lost all the nihongo ive learnt during my bum phase. we work from 8am to 7pm. 11 effing hours, if i were still working in ortigas with those merciless work hours i think i'd prolly have desk rage and just kill my boss. lol. and when i get home i play wow till im ready for sleep collapse. it eats your life, WoW does. -_- i actually miss thinking. i have 3 months worth of rant in my head but i cant remember all them right so im typing a drunken squirrel. seriously, i havent felt my brain working in a long time cause work is just like reading ur brain like a book and translating it to the drawing so it doesnt count much. but writing, now that actually requires some thought about wat to write. or you can just blab like what im doing now. sorry.

so yeah, i will start doing non-wow things from now on and get myself cured from wow addiction. not that i won't play anymore of course. it keeps me form being bored. XD i will write and do photoshop stuff again and maybe socialize -_-. whew. if i wasnt addicted with wow, id be out every weekend. i am not happy staying still for too long.ok that's it for now. don't want you guys to feel too bad for me in one sitting. besides, im imba lol. if you're too noob to know wat that means, it only means one thing: i've become a full-blown geek. -_-

Currently listening to: Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams
Currently reading: Gabriel Garcia Marquez - Love In The Time Of Cholera
Currently feeling: awake

2 dead

jewel

Posted by tashadeguzman at 12:33 AM on April 13, 2008.

it has become so bitter.

i hate him. and he hates me.

the motto "don't make decisions when you're mad and don't make promises when you're happy" haunts me. but if not when you're mad, then when? being in a mad argument is the best opportunity for a break-up. and when you're done, just be careful not to look back cause regret will surely be staring back at you. even a little. or maybe not if he's a total a-hole.

i dunno. i feel like we'll be breaking up sooner or later.

i want to be in love with him, and love him, and respect him and support him and vice versa, but i lack even the will to try to work it out.

i'm sure he's just about ready to call it quits too. and i dunno what keeps him from doing it. me? because i want to make sure that reviving the relationship is impossible before i leave to rot.

i really do want this to work, but i don't know how we can fix this. i'm not even sure if we still should.

shoot me

the most beautiful.

Posted by tashadeguzman at 04:41 PM on September 8, 2007.

there are places for sad, selfish people like me. i know why i'm depressed.

boredom can really kill some people, if left alone with it too much.

anyway, i had the grand idea that i should join a charitable foundation; just so i could get a much less selfish occupation, and maybe teach me some humanity. i'm still trying to find an organization to do that, cause frankly i don't want anything religion-related. i think i should go through with this, after all i've already committed to world vision through my mother. 

i feel almost nothing. and that's a sad sad thing.

"If I speak in human or angelic tongues, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

"Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians 13

i am happy. i have just forgotten how that feels.

Currently listening to: lifehouse - everything

2 dead